The Crossroads

I feel it’s good to be dependent on someone or some people. It’s good to be needed but it’s also ok to need someone at times. The problem starts when you become over dependent. We make so many life decisions based on our dependency on others without realizing that those “others” may be just as lost as we are. When I was 18, I reached that point in my life where in I had to make a decision that would practically shape the rest of my life. I came across that famous three way road that we all do at some point in our lives. Now the question was which one of those three ways would I choose. To be honest, at that point the choice seemed obvious and easy, if only I knew.

FOLLOW YOUR PARENTS
The easiest way out. You know your parents would never wish bad for you although that may not necessarily mean they know what’s best for you. They defined an entire career path for me. I was not even sure what the hell it was but I followed it. You know why? Because deep in my heart I knew they would never wish anything wrong for me. My career turned out to be more than fine. I became rich and successful. I got the most beautiful prettiest lady to get married to me. I was working 14 hours a day and making more money than anyone else I knew in real life. And believe me, money can buy a lot of stuffs. Money can buy happiness. I was happy with my achievements and accomplishments. Then finally the day came I had to wrap it all up and retire. I was excited because I could now spend time and do things that I never had time to do. And plus, I had made enough money. I wanted to travel and party and travel and party. There was just one problem. I was too old, weak and tired all the time. I guess my physical age finally caught up on me. I was too old, and I guess too late, to try all those stuffs I wanted to. So I decided to spend time with my wife and children only to realize that we barely knew each other. If only I had spent more time with them. I finally decided I was going to spend my days of retirement with my friends sitting in a lawn playing cards. However, that did not work out either since I didn’t have any friends. That’s because I never made any. It only took me a few days before I realized I actually didn’t know how to make one. I did not know how to make friends. I guess my personality and my style didn’t go too well with the world. But how the hell could I not have one single friend? This always seemed to me as something that comes easy to most people. Not a single friend. And that’s when I started to feel lonely and depressed. I started to spend most of my time staring into blank space with slowly running out of thoughts in my head. Then one night an angel visited my dream and she only said one thing “I will give you another chance.”

FOLLOW YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up in my bed. I was 18 again. I felt and young and excited again. I closed my eyes and silently thanked that guardian angel (or whatever she was) for giving me another chance to be at the three way road again. I was damn sure I was not going to repeat any of those mistakes and I was definitely going to ensure I don’t end up sad and lonely. So I decided I was going to give myself and my happiness more priority than anything else. I started hanging out with my old friends more often. Along the way, I made some new ones too. Drinking, partying, late night long chats, pranking the hell out of each other etc. became my daily routine. Life was full of fun and I was insanely happy all the time. I also made sure to keep an eye on my career and my family at the same time but my close friends, my gang became my world. By the time I turned 25, the gang started to split up. Some relocated for new job, others went for higher studies and few got married early. By the time I turned 30, all my friends got married. It’s not like that they had forgotten me. They were there for me whenever they could. But it wasn’t the same. By the time I turned 35 I realized that the younger crowd didn’t want to hang out with me anymore and I had to give up on a lifestyle that I had stuck around with for nearly 20 years. It was weird. I didn’t know how else to live my life. I still felt young and energetic but I just couldn’t seem to find a purpose in life. Before I even realized loneliness slapped me in the face so hard that I could barely breathe. I had a job. I made decent money. But nothing left to live for. The guardian angel visited me in my dream again and this time I begged to her to take me back in time. At first, she was reluctant but soon enough she agreed.

FOLLOW YOUR LIFE PARTNER
I woke up. 18 again. And this time I knew I had to find the right balance amongst all my loved ones – friends, family and others. I was at the three way road again but this time I felt more confident. The first two ways that I chose didn’t buy me long term happiness but now I was going to try out the third way (the only one left). I thought I finally understood what I wanted from my life. I spent time with my family, hung out with my friends and made it good with my career. Life was finally good. I couldn’t complain. I met this girl at a coffee shop with whom I somehow clicked with instantly. She was everything like my ideal dream girl.

By the time we were done with coffee I gathered courage and asked her, “So when can we go out on a 2nd date?” She gave me that look, that stare that ensured me that she was impressed. Before you know it, we started dating. The first few months of our dating were just awesome. All that late night chatting, doing couple’s stuff together, holding hands, the way she kissed me (passionate yet soft), the sex… Oh my god! The sex. She was incredible in bed. Too damn good. I started to feel like the luckiest man in the world. I even starting making her breakfast in bed, not because she was so good in bed (ok may be a little bit) but mostly because I was falling in love with her. She was perfect in every freaking way. I realized that I was slowly drifting away from my friends and family. But I didn’t mind. I knew the time was right so when I proposed to her, she said “yes”. We got married way too young probably but the first few years were simply great. Our honeymoon phase lasted longer than it does for others. Everything was just fine. But just like every other couple, the honeymoon phase came to an end. It not only just ended. It ended real bad. I eventually started to struggle just to get a few words out of her. She made a new gang of friends with whom she would party most nights. Forget about talking, I barely got to see her at times. I tried to fit in her gang but they were too annoying to hang out with. A couple of years passed and I realized that our marriage was over. We didn’t divorce and we never talked about getting divorced either. But we knew deep down that it was over. With her permission, I decided to have an affair. I had my needs, both physical and emotional and I saw no reason to suffer anymore. I learnt it the hard way but I did not have that style and charisma anymore. Being lonely and depressed sucked all the fun out of me. I was officially a woman repellent. I realized there was only way out of this mess now. Coke and weed! I knew a guy who knew a guy who knew another guy to get me that stuff for cheap. Right when I was going to get out of the house and get that stuff, she came up to me and said, “I am pregnant.”
Pregnant huh? I was so not ready for that. I wasn’t even sure if the child was biologically mine but that didn’t really bother me. I was just focusing on the part that I was going to be a father. I took good care of my wife during those 9 months. We became good friends again (even though we never loved each other romantically again). I started feeling better. My life seemed to have found a new purpose. I took care of my wife and I started spend my free time with books. I got addicted to books rather quickly. I read all kinds of books but fiction was always my favorite. Creating a whole new world that makes you forget your own real sucky world was quite a feeling. Then that day finally came, we were blessed with a baby daughter. She was the most beautiful thing in the world, except when she was crying or pooping. But we were all very happy. That little angel meant the world to us. There was this moment, when she fell asleep on my lap. I was holding her with one hand and holding a book with another. Then it struck me, I have read so many books on leaders and artists. How come their lives have never been the same as mine? I mean, I have practically lived three different lives thanks to my fairy godmother (or guardian angel or whatever she was). What if the three way road was never actually a “three” way road? What if there was a fourth way too? What if I never saw the fourth way because I was too blind (or dumb for that matter) to see it? These artists and leaders never lived a conventional life. They never depended on anyone except for themselves. What if I could have done that too? I thought about my guardian angel and asked her if I could go back in time one last time. This time she neither responded nor showed up. I guess I knew why. To be fair she gave me two chances to make better of my life. May be she was there for me more number of times than I truly deserved. There was a slight little jerk and it woke up my angel. Surprisingly she did not cry. She just stared right into my eyes and for a moment I felt that our souls were looking right into each other’s. I felt as if she was saying “It’s ok dad. We are going to be alright.”
And you know what? We were.

~KK